hope has a place .

I just wanted to write and say Happy 20th Birthday, Ameerul. it’s pretty hilarious that i almost don’t want to mention it. i miss u. i’ve been thinkin about u a lot. and it sort of feels inappropriate to say tht, but i don’t mean it in any inappropriate way. i just miss u and i wish things were different. i wish i were in a different place so that i won't feel ths motherf shitty. I feel really pathetic about it sometimes. but God, u were so important to me. i know, i think there was too much pressure on u in our relationship. u were always afraid of hurting me. and i was afraid of losing u, so we never stirred the pot. just let things settle around us until it got too heavy. when i was just getting up to speed with wht the reality of the situation was, and when i was ready to act, u were ready to leave. i’m having a hard time dealing with the end of our relationship. but i have a huge ability to love because of it. it’s hard for me at certain times, but beautiful when i did it. Thats somethin i learned in our relationship that i have the capacity and ability to love with my whole self, and it is beautiful. really. i wish i could forgive myself and move on. sorry, i’m just rambling here.

teya